the morning guest

Here is that vague feeling again
The morning guest
Of not enough
I need more
A vibration of fear
Or is it the fluttering of arrival
As the in-boxes empty?

The bird feeder is full though
And I braved the cold in my pajamas to fill it.
My coffee is nearby,
the eyes of my heart are open,
And my fingers ready to scribe.

What will I open to meet today,
Scribing in word or in color?

In the stillness
I ready me to stay near myself,
To be empty enough for the response
That fulfills the promise I’ve made
to be true and in joy
and to be so expressed.

unconditional commitment

The words of Claire Zammit reached me earlier this month. They activated a fire in me, and that fire brought me into relationship to that "creative tension that enables my full becoming."

This commitment to Love, to the life that I carry and that carries me, was confirmed each time I met the forces of the "not doing enough" voices in the last 21 days. They did their job of showing me where my commitment was shaky. 

The reality of what I live, moment by moment in trust, straightened my back as I leaned for support into the tree of life. 

It can no longer be denied, I know why I am here. 
 I will act on it 
 I will rest in it 
 I will dance it 
 I will paint it
 I will share it.

And I will be ferociously kind when I lose my buoyancy and miss the mark.

"Unconditional self-love has to do with a fundamental awareness of the inherit value of your being-- your very existence is enough to be worthy of partaking in the goodness of life and receiving love and support of the universe and others. However, there's an additional step that's necessary to complete the process of true self-love that many of us skip over- which is unconditional commitment to ourselves -- not just loving yourself for your inherent value, but standing for the potential of who you can become, which requires us to challenge and mentor ourselves through our growing edges and be honest with ourselves about where we're missing the mark. Self-Love creates the container. Ferocious commitment, the positive, creative tension that enables our full becoming."
Claire Zammit

a space for commitment

This is the space that the oak created while she stood 375 years in the woods behind our family home and near the cabin where I lived during my return to the sanity of myself. Recently, I have been remembering and appreciating those morning walks to the outhouse. Each morning I would read from Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way Everyday looking out into the morning woods.

Today is March 26, 2013. 
I woke this morning and prayerfully asked for all my loved ones, including myself, to be well, happy and peaceful. May no harm come to them, may no problem come to them, may no difficulty come to them, may they always meet with success. May they also have patience, courage, understanding and determination to meet and overcome inevitable difficulties, problems and failures in life.

This morning I am listening to reconnect with my commitment. Reconnecting may take including a morning walk to my day, because it is in moving that I can listen most clearly and be set to right. In Nature my compass finds its true north.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (or creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would otherwise never have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of incidents and meetings and material assistance which no woman would have believed would have come her way."

W.H.Murray the scottish mountaineer
found in Julia Cameron's The Artist Way Everyday
(italics mine)

Many of my sisters and brothers who I admire have found their commitment, deeply.  I also begin to understand that there is a remembering that must take place to keep the path open for the new to move in me and to meet me from the world. 

I am committed to connection, even in my solitude. My remembering today has taken this written form, and will continue in the form of a morning walk into the woods, through the spring snow laden field. 

Thank you for your part in this remembering.