he's still here........

this is a detail of a process painting I began of myself last month,
I wondered if my mother would arrive again,
but this time my ex showed up.

this painting took me on quite a journey.
first, it brought many good feelings and much care
for him and our marriage and for the family we created together.

secondly, it brought my mind into a fit or two.......like if I feel this way, why am I divorced from him? What's my problem? What's going on here? Am I supposed to remarry him now?

It touched a lot of places in me.
We hadn't had that kind of time together, just the two of us, for a long time.

It was uncanny how it ended up taking form.

Like each painting, life and relationship is a journey, and it is a conversation.
My feelings changed a lot during the course of this conversation.

My mind worked hard to hold some meaning. Or to avoid the meaning it created. And I kept painting.

Later in the process, I began to feel a discomfort with the painting, with him being there....I didn't like it.
Again, it's messy......all these feelings.
And yes, I also had to add another piece of paper to the bottom to hold it all!

But when I addressed this block that I was feeling, to him being in my painting, in my life, even in my feeling life.......this is what i found.

I asked myself, what would I paint if I was not afraid ...... of love.
Of loving him.
Of feeling his love for me.
In spite of the way our lives have changed, what could I dare to face if I was not afraid?

so, my stomach turned.
and I knew I had to feel this and discover if it was going to hurt or bind me or what.

so, it moved, from him into me,  this love took the form of a red band of color. from his heart to my heart
this love moved.
then more and more
and it danced.

my whole being was being penetrated by love
it no longer was his love,
it was no longer my love.
there was no protection
the process lead me to feel the truth of love, of my connection to him, just as it is.

and if - as in a dream - each aspect of the painting is myself,
then love met me through my willingness to know love.