now and then

Now I am in Germany and then I was in Virginia. 

To follow this path of painting from inside out I chose to walk again in those fields behind my home in Virginia. 
What I long for here in Germany is space and the feeling of being at home.

As I painted, I began to smell the air and the grasses of the fields behind my house in Virginia. 
I was moving through rooms in houses I once lived in. 
I invited myself to feel into the apparent nearness of these past experiences . 

I give meaning to some parts of it.
It is made of two parts, one sits above the other.  

The green snake in the grass in the foreground is my ally when the demon of fear shows up hungry at my door. 
At the door to my home is a bowl, ready to feed whoever comes knocking- Fear- Doubt-Envy-Reason.

I like that none of the marks need to have meaning for me, they just are. 
I don't have to finalize the experience with meaning to find its "rightness." 
I can ride down the river of color as it flows. 
I enjoy the ride. 
I have a good seat.

field grasses

Inspired from one of the last studies I made of the back field in Harris Hollow, the afternoon before the cutting began.

I remember the sense of fleeting time, the need to get all this, somehow, in paint: the moving, thick grasses, the subtle color of the various plants, the fullness of it all, thinking it would be the last time I would be there to paint it. 

This is such a familiar experience of mine, of overwhelming beauty out of time and the urge to paint, to "have" it, which is in time. 
As well as the full onslaught of thoughts whispering "it is not possible."

It is not possible to hold it.
It is possible to enter it and get as close to it as I can. 
It brings me to the edge of reason, and I just have to jump. 

Such a field it is....my backyard for three years. 
Endless space and color and light and air. 

Now I am wanting to find this in me, however I can make it appear. 
Using the study, I splashed this into being to continue to reconnect with what the field is for me. 

It feels like a landscape and it is large enough that it can stand on its own someday, as feeling in color. 
It is a good beginning.

Field Grasses oil on panel 100cm x 100cm

compassionate awareness

I am now nearing the end of my first year here in Germany. The paintings are changing. I am changing. I have watched myself not paint or draw this year. I watched myself think I would keep painting, that I would not fall out of this conversation with myself. And I did, often. Now I am making a commitment to show up each day in this conversation I have with myself in paint. Because it is important to me. It brings me joy and wonder. It brings me to questions that only I can answer for myself. This life I have lived with drawing and painting is a gift that loves to express itself. That is still my job. To support her. No matter what the voices say. This is the second part of the journey. Compassionate awareness is being given a larger role in this play. I can't do it without her support.

"The Seed" oil on panel 100cm x 60cm

an open field

This is one of the last paintings I made in late summer, before moving to Germany. 
The field had been kept uncut for weeks this summer and the grasses were dense and layered. 

The sky kept moving and the grasses, too, as it was painted.

I especially like that I had a light hand and could move with the clouds and the breezes through the grass.