beyond the idea of beauty

i'm continually floored by process painting
it gives me a direct way of feeling engaged
of feeling in relationship to life
to see what veils of belief I am ready to walk through.

words cannot describe the beauty
beyond the idea of beauty.
of course,
I try to put it into words

i'm just amazed.…


process
life
is shivashakti
is consciousness and everything else.

They meet in me
and leave their mark
in color
on paper.

snakes in the ground of my being

Full screen
Just me and this white rectangle
And a keyboard supported by computer technology.

Process
That is my key word
That is the word that alerts me to life
Not what I want life to be
But what it is.
The heart of the matter is change held in something that never changes.
Process is development, life and death.
Process painting is undoing in the guise of doing.
Life is slippery for the mind to grasp.
That is its power and gift.


So, I already corrected something
And I am now stumped.
Brought into a thinking place, to get it right.
The word "process" alerts me again and again
To the flow of life,
To my place in relation to life
And to the joy that comes in letting go to its course, to its wisdom course.

No room here for blame
Let it go.
Process is kind and loving and fierce.
Like reality.

During one of my first process paintings
I was letting the color flow.
Letting images take form,
I had no plan.
It felt like pure response.
I was feeling something new: joy.
I could feel the snake wanting to appear,
and there was a familiar mistrust.
I hesitated,
fearful that a snake would bring something into being
that I did not ask for and was not wanting to feel or face.
The evil dark…. the threat of evil, the past.

But curiosity had its way with me and I chose a color for the snake
My brush touched the paper,
Gliding green,
a snake took form.

A past memory was touched,
of the green garter snake
in my father’s hand.

The neighborhood boys had been chasing me with a snake
and I was scared.
I ran to my father who was kneeling in the garden,
And as luck would have it
there, too, was a snake,
a thin, green, garter snake.
He showed it to me, wanting to allay my fears of the snake.
Maybe it helped.
Being with him helped.
By the age of seven I was already well challenged by the dance of boys in the natural world.
Whether I was ready to fully trust it or not,
I received what my father could give to me.
The teaching settled into my body through the love I felt for and from my father.

So, bringing my attention back to the painting,
this green snake appeared with such a surprising quality
Joyfully slender.
Playful.
Emerald green.
And more snakes took form.
They wrapped themselves up along the stems of the wild flowers that bloomed in this new garden before my eyes.
I was filled from the inside with a new found joy for life, space had been made for this joy to be felt.


This was one of the first times I experienced letting the process lead me from within.
My teacher speaks of process painting as a conversation.
Experience has lead me to understand that to have a conversation one has to feel one’s ground and be the openness of listening. To be willing to trust what is unknown and beyond my control sets the stage for a good conversation.

Intuitively, I have spent my life developing trust in the ground of my own being.
Painting and meditation came together to meet me as I began my path of higher education. They are the sails of my boat.
Life tests me to develop skillful means to see clearly and to feel fully.
Drenched in intuition and obeying my depth, I am following the direction of true north.

not another sheet of paper!

ok,
I get it
I'm going to write from here, from my experience, because that's what I've got to work with.

I'm in process.
and loving it.
and hating it!

like this:
I began to paint myself about three weeks ago.
I needed to add another sheet of paper to give myself room to be a full standing figure.
Imagine that, life needs more space to show up!
22x40 just isn't enough, right now.


So, I began another.
and try as I might, to fit the painting onto a full sheet,
I needed more space, again.

I hate to have to keep adding paper to my paintings to give them the room they need!
I don't like folding them up to lay on the growing pile of finished paintings.
I'd rather have this all neat and tidy.

so, that's process painting.
and that's life.
I'm not in control.
I may not always like it, that's no longer the point.

In fact, I am beginning to develop an awareness that holds the whole, as the painting holds the whole; the doubt, the discomfort, the pleasure, the interest, the fascination, the judgement all have room to come, be felt and pass...

And did I mention I am learning kindness through this process?

like there is no tomorrow

a little thought trail

an inquiry woke up with me this morning
on the meaning of the phrase
"like there is no tomorrow"

i feel full
and saturated
with now

doing anything like there is no tomorrow
is doing anything
or simply
being,
fully
completely.

like a morning breeze
after it touches my morning skin,
we were all made for one another.

trust settles in me

so,
the invitation to write has arrived at my fingertips again.
i asked for support and this was what was shown to me.

you might think i've been doing this all along.
i am looking over my blog posts
and see
yes,
i have been writing,
expressing in a particular way that takes form in words.

now,
what if i wrote
with self discipline
as the listener,
as the student,
in cooperation with the voice that wants to express this life?

i'm sensing a yes
a consent,
to write
about this life.

i'm glad to have painted.
the silent speech of color
will show me the way
to write with devotion
to the pauses.

there is pleasure in this work,
that's the key.

as the words take form
i feel the weaving of the whole taking place, right here.
and i feel confidence
(momentarily)
or is it longing
to follow this thread all the way.........

trust settles in me.


tonight the taste of pesto
lingers in my mouth.
and the memory of his voice
passes like music
through my whole body.