Thursday, January 1, 2015

memo - what is crone time

one thing that is suddenly apparent to me, at 60, is that the definition of who I am is no longer fixed.
 I am none of the definitions I have collected to name and confirm myself. 

I am much freer in truth than any of those names - mother, sister, beloved, writer, friend and even artist. Most particularly artist is falling by the way side. 

I was not prepared for this. And now that I sense what has been happening is a loosening of identity,  I can relax a bit more. I have been really physically stressed, and not knowing why.

Writing serves me to communicate. 
Painting serves me to express what words cannot touch. 
Everything is working out just fine.

What prompted me to see this change just now, was seeing the paintings of the winner of an "important" art thing I applied for. I had felt sure my paintings could hold the space of this show, and I was rejected. 

This is not the kind of rejection that really hurts me, it is more of an 'ok, thank you for guiding me' kind of thing.  The rejections that do hurt say the same thing...go this way, Barbara, it just sometimes takes me longer to say thank you!

When I looked at the work of the young (born 1980) winner, I saw what the art world I was asking to be in, says is a viable and interesting artist. 

And I paused, and said, thank goddess.
I am being lead to want the life I live.

The impulse in me to share takes many forms.

Life is finding how to share itself through me with the world. 
The internet is the mother supporting so many connections.
We find one another.

And I could not have found my way here without being able to express myself in words. 
everything is coming together,
this is the co creative crone time.

written in 2013, still pondering the wonder of croning in 2015

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