Wednesday, November 6, 2013

eat pray love letter to Suzy

I am not sure that I did ever read the book !

I am now,
and I like it.

her spirituality did not come through to me through the actress.
or maybe I had just forgotten my own.
it all being a projection, this is likely.
I had definitely misplaced my sense of humor.

I wanted to stay in italy 
I wanted to stay in the ashram 
and I sure wanted to stay in that handsome man's arms..........

I watched the film when I was in Germany.
it was during the week when he was getting desperate to please me,
to acknowledge that he did want me to be there. 
so he took me out to a movie.
he was surprised that he enjoyed the film, too.
I remember that part.

today I begin the next steps of my journey with ALisa and Adyashanti.
I woke up this morning with a new sense of the silence in me 
in relation to the words and their power that I am able to feel when I write.
I feel relationship in a new way, there is a depth to the fact that I am writing to you right now and that I am taking the time to be as clear as I can about where I am.

my mother told me yesterday that she had read the poem I wrote about the path and the way. she always admired my writing since high school. and then, I could not receive her support, it did not mean anything at the time. and she said that my paintings were gorgeous yesterday, too.  I had never heard her say something like this either.  she is passing something on to me. I feel it. her speech is labored but she said it does not tire her to speak.. yesterday I could feel her love energy in her communication with me.  I am aware of something alive, that I was not able to be aware of before, when I was in so much pain.  maybe that is all that has happened, the pain of being so confused if I am good or bad has lessened...

what I see is  beautiful. I am not motivated to paint it like I used to . I am motivated to write about the fact that I can see this beauty and it is nearly indescribable. I sense that the paintings will come again on their own, that door is always open. the paint is always here when needed.

I am slowing down
and feeling potency in me.
the potency is in the silence
that every word can carry
and that I can trust it to carry
when I bring it forth.

I am returning somehow to my beginning
it is interesting to notice,

Rilke is by my side again, the paint colors are near by
and I have something to write with,
and of course, a cup of coffee.

I am motivated to communicate
to share living in every way that moves me
and to simply be this living. 

the leaves of the sycamore are flying in the wind
the sky is pure endless blue
the trees
have absorbed summer's sun
taking it deep inside
they will offer the most beautiful soft magenta hues 
in the dead of the winter
I am inspired by my own life again.

it's getting better all the time
wisps of cloud have joined the clear blue.

I woke me up to something beautiful this morning, Suzy.
my life.
my life was in relationship 
I did not have to name to what, 
to know to what.
in moments like this I know the Beloved is near.

it was good to talk with you yesterday.
to share our bafflement and wonder
at the ebb and flow of this creation,
making our lives new and ever more useful.
useful as in of service.

this is a joyful moment in my life.
I feel glad to share it with you.

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