eat pray love letter to Suzy

I am not sure that I did ever read the book !

I am now,

and I like it.

her spirituality did not come through to me through the actress.

or maybe I had just forgotten my own.

it all being a projection, this is likely.
I had definitely misplaced my sense of humor.

I wanted to stay in italy 

I wanted to stay in the ashram 

and I sure wanted to stay in that handsome man's arms..........

I watched the film when I was in Germany.

it was during the week when he was getting desperate to please me,

to acknowledge that he did want me to be there. 

so he took me out to a movie.

he was surprised that he enjoyed the film, too.

I remember that part.

today I begin the next steps of my journey with ALisa and Adyashanti.

I woke up this morning with a new sense of the silence in me 

in relation to the words and their power that I am able to feel when I write.

I feel relationship in a new way, there is a depth to the fact that I am writing to you right now and that I am taking the time to be as clear as I can about where I am.

my mother told me yesterday that she had read the poem I wrote about the path and the way. she always admired my writing since high school. and then, I could not receive her support, it did not mean anything at the time. and she said that my paintings were gorgeous yesterday, too.  I had never heard her say something like this either.  she is passing something on to me. I feel it. her speech is labored but she said it does not tire her to speak.. yesterday I could feel her love energy in her communication with me.  I am aware of something alive, that I was not able to be aware of before, when I was in so much pain.  maybe that is all that has happened, the pain of being so confused if I am good or bad has lessened...

what I see is  beautiful. I am not motivated to paint it like I used to . I am motivated to write about the fact that I can see this beauty and it is nearly indescribable. I sense that the paintings will come again on their own, that door is always open. the paint is always here when needed.

I am slowing down

and feeling potency in me.

the potency is in the silence

that every word can carry

and that I can trust it to carry

when I bring it forth.

I am returning somehow to my beginning

it is interesting to notice,

Rilke is by my side again, the paint colors are near by

and I have something to write with,

and of course, a cup of coffee.

I am motivated to communicate

to share living in every way that moves me

and to simply be this living. 

the leaves of the sycamore are flying in the wind

the sky is pure endless blue
the trees

have absorbed summer's sun

taking it deep inside

they will offer the most beautiful soft magenta hues 

in the dead of the winter

!

I am inspired by my own life again.

it's getting better all the time
wisps of cloud have joined the clear blue.

I woke me up to something beautiful this morning, Suzy.

my life.

my life was in relationship 

I did not have to name to what, 

to know to what.

in moments like this I know the Beloved is near.

it was good to talk with you yesterday.

to share our bafflement and wonder

at the ebb and flow of this creation,

making our lives new and ever more useful.

useful as in of service.

this is a joyful moment in my life.

I feel glad to share it with you.

always already...

it always already is what it is
we are just catching up.

"always already" were master da free john's favorite descriptive adjectives
for this 
.......

he touched me out of the blue 
and lead my heart on this crazy wisdom path
without ever meeting
face to face.

To give everything would have been premature......
I had to create what I needed before I could lose it
and then receive it anew....

ah........
now
is
the
time
to celebrate the loss
of everything that was only a thought.

only what is real remains.

I love to make dinner for my sons.

the path and the way

The path and the way

The ways the deer take are so clear and quiet feeling.

That’s the way I go.

I aimed for the river, 

Found the way,

Hearing the water.

Now to back track and make a path out of this experience,

Discovering how a path makes itself known.

Up the hill I discover this huge stone under the leaves

My path goes around it

Fallen trees help guide the way.

A root seat waited along the high banked stream

My feet rest on the large stone

 the water moves across.

Clean water from the earth

is a wonder.

One day I found a Virginia version of the Steintheater in Hellbrun

A silent place for worship not entertainment.

The old wire fence line is down 

It crosses my path and makes a great jumping point.

Delighting the kid in me,

It always makes me smile.

Each day I go a little further

Or I just retrace the steps from the day before.

I love how I forget and remember and discover my way.

An orange hat is probably a good idea, or my red-orange scarf.

 I really don’t want to be mistaken for a deer. 

It is hunting season.

I am hunting my path but with a different kind of aim,

The hunted deer gifted itself to the Indian hunter.

The hunter always said thank you.

A path through the woods to the river

and everything that comes and goes on the way

Are what I am gifted with.

I cannot stop saying thank you.

a path into the woods

a path into the woods

the desire to make a path I can follow
begins to take its form.
I am in no rush to reach the river.

the Virginia woods have a lightness in them
the Indians were here
and the wildlife still lives
and moves among
and flies above
these trees.

the fairy tale woods of Germany were luscious and dark and so appealing,
I have come to know them,
intimately.

there is a lightness
beginning to appear
everywhere.

even negative thinking is welcomed and given room
and then, excuse me
I just don't have time for it,

the quiet in my heart is becoming more attractive.

all-y all-y in come free

in relation to the creative force that lives in me
is this fear or excitement ?

no rush no rush
right on time

being in relation to this creative force
pushes all my buttons
and puts me in my place
a place where awe and responsibility
invite me in.

noch einmal treffe ich diese Ehrfurcht
ich sage Ja.
Ich werde diese Faden folgen.

I will follow this thread 
all the way.
It is absurd to think I have a choice in the matter.
I deny this and live half a life
or I say yes
and live fully
in creative relationship
to what ever draws me 
in or out.

I like staying home on rainy days
with plenty to do,
calling out to all the trees,
all-y all-y in come free.

an image

When the soul wants something to be known,
she throws out an image in front of her
and steps into it.

Meister Eckhart


just like that
this image appeared
and I stepped into it.

effort and right effort

the attempt to create
creates exhaustion.

today I drew from the model again.
I brought an idea with me
which invited judgement
and comparing.

what I wanted to draw 
and what I drew 
were two different things,
and the split created exhaustion.

Last week, fresh from silent retreat
I just drew.
There is a big difference in the two kinds of activity.

One is receptive, the other active.
When I ponder what I have done in my life in terms of painting and living
the most successful
meaning enjoyable and full of learning
were done receptively.
the action was supported by a listening within for the path the action would take.

The Feminine Nature has been active in me longer than I have been aware of.