Thursday, June 13, 2013

an invitation I couldn't resist any longer

That invitation,
she made it so easy, effortless.

What would that look like,
 when I am at one with myself?
As a woman, I would be at one with all my past experiences if I am at one with myself.
As a woman, I will be,

I am, she says.
I am
I am here. 

Would I even have words for this myself, 
this that they call spiritual awakening?
This seems to be all there is now, everywhere at all times.
There is a lucidity even on cloudy days.
Even as the stress rises and flows through my body,
There is lucidity.

The maiden and the mother have been brought along by this river of life.
The thickening, the widening in my body today shows the birth of the crone.

I want to write about spontaneous painting.
I really do

And there is such passion whirling around the etheric membranes,
My inner galaxy……
And But, these are telling words on their own…..

I feel a steadiness, an awe, when I am painting spontaneously with tempera paint. With the soft brushes.
 I wanted them since two years, but the oil paint didn’t want them. 
The oil paint loves her knife. It is the knife that allows her to spontaneously paint with oil. 

That is the freedom I seek, and the path I see unfolding is with women, maybe someday men, painting from the heart. 
It is just so simple an offering, such an open, inviting portal.
A white piece of paper and color and water.

Start with a brush but who knows what will be called upon to express the inexpressible?

When I was 19
She saw white paper
She said don't marry that guy
She said hold on like a bulldog.

I am here to find words to describe spontaneous painting, process painting. 
Fred says it is Zen.
It is zen-like, so open, without judgement, such a flow, grasping nothing, no attachment, no held interpretations.
 It is prayer. Without a goal. More like gratitude.

My desire is pushing, lighting me through this mud.
I am the lotus.
Can I focus on anything but the light?
The light takes forms
And the forms vanish
Again and again.

The Sun is calling the Moon.
I am relieved,
Sense cannot be made.

This is how it goes, it looks a bit scattered.
Moving from here to there and back again and on again.
You certainly do not have to follow this breadcrumb trail.

Oh, I can do it better, put it in order, yes, I can do that, too.
I am just warming up again.
I told her I would show up.
She will bring me to focus, and bring the fire
that brings me to the gifts I want to share.
She just did.

Lucidity is so erotic.

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