naked ladies

“Your mind cannot know me.

You are beginning to get the sense of this.

It is only in the senses that you can know me.

Your senses are the very thread that carry the birthright to your lineage.”

I can’t wait till the day ends 

And the men leave their work.

Those naked ladies are waiting for me to join them in the garden!

They know I am one of them

Why else would they have called to me yesterday?

They are standing tall and naked, 

holding the fullness of their blossoming, 

so shamelessly,

for the sheer pleasure of it.

I sense it, too.

a giddy delight in the naturalness of this flowering

awakens in me.

walking under the Star of David

I woke this morning wanting to take a walk in the woods instead of following my usual Sunday routine.

My favorite walk is through the Shenandoah National Park up to a small cemetery, which holds the memories of families who once lived on the mountain, before the park was created.

I choose something on the way to hold the focus of what I am ready to release.

I smile, thinking I am always seemingly working on something!  And, yes, sometimes I just take a walk. The signals come whether I intend them to or not!

The rock I carried with me today was a small stone, with a white line in the middle, book marked on each side by three times the size of dark.

I had not taken this walk for many months.

I was ready to release a pattern I have allowed in my relationships, of not asking for what I need. I recognize the way I have given more and more and more in an unbalanced relationship or blamed myself for never giving enough. 

I could never put my finger on it until now, that joy - in relationship - is participatory. 
And it is fed with the truth.

So, I was ready to release this old pattern. 

As the Star of David forms in the skies, I am putting a lot of energy and intention into creating, receiving and sharing joy in my life with others. 

I had a good walk, putting my hands on the small spring that moves across the path. It was so cool. This coolness seemed to come from deep in the earth, it carried freshness into my body.

I ate wineberries along the way, my favorite wild summer berry.

I left the stone a top a grave ornament that stood in the sun, and walked the perimeter of the small graveyard.

I love the return walk to the base of the mountain, there is the feeling of release, of lightening and the gayatri mantra often accompanies me. 

Along the final section of the path I saw a heart rock. About the same size as the stone I took with me, the face of this one was full white, with a dark back. 

It felt like my desire's signal had been heard. 

Shiva and Parvati are dancing for joy.

                                                                                                                             

Stop in the namma Me!

       "All you need to do in this life is to live your own experience."

This is perhaps the most valuable advice I have ever received, from Maggie Tapert, when I was age 58 years old. It was even more pointed than "be yourself" which I received in my 20's, from the wise sculptor, William Calfee. 

Following Maggie's advice, because it rang so true, has given me the most challenging test of all, to literally turn the direction of my attention and attraction within, and let it release itself as my own experience. 

I watched myself leave me again and again and again almost to a point of no return.....

My very own life calls to me in a most direct way, inviting me into this ever evolving, emerging awakening of itself.

sweetly, a memory just arose.

my second son's voice when he was about 4 years old.

my sons had such a rich childhood ~

playing ferociously with abandon

from morning to night,

battling the dragons and warlords that lived in our midst, 

carousing with the thieves, saints and clowns.

I hear him now, 

saying with all his great might

"STOP! in the naymah me!"

yes, I am stopping in the name of me,

and listening

and keeping the doors open for the unknown

to reveal herself

through my life.

She, as the creative source of life, has no other choice. 

It is mine to make the choice to be here to greet her

and to live my experience.

mermaid's dive

resurfaced from the deep

jewelry is a sign of life

rebirthed

renewed

I did not return empty handed.

July 8 2013

life dancing

The dance. 

I begin to feel it.

The dance floor has shifted, ever so slightly and my perspective is changed.

My body begins to soften and respond, I am moved.

My life partners and I, (meaning friends family as well as the ones I meet just here and there, in the grocery store, for a quick often effortless spin) we are each hearing very different music. Our own. This requires such sensitivity to dance with others! How exciting! When I know and honor my own rhythm, body is allowed to feel the music the other is dancing to, and then a harmony is possible.

Otherwise, as I have experienced, I am either dancing alone, or being forced to dance to their music. Even when I experience what I used to call “harmony,” when I have released my hold to follow his lead, it does not mean a thing. 

It means we were in harmony of a kind for the length of that song. I danced that one once, for the duration of the song with such a smile, a whole body smile, to be danced by the man I loved. I always thought it would mean more, to dance with another. Dancing with women has begun to bear indescribable fruit. Yes, I am practicing for that life partner I long for, even now.

So, who is my partner now, really?

I have several dance partners in life, and I am fascinated by the way each has their own way of dancing. I practice describing the dance I want to dance. Then I wait to hear from them, how their dance meets mine. I used to experience this learning time as disharmony. I feel this change is due to the real dance partner who has made himself or herself known, the Nameless One. We are never out of harmony. 

 I am so timid with this partner. My body still learns to trust the movements. I feel there is enormous patience and love present in this partner. Mind still takes over the lead, promising certainty, safety. Then a breeze comes by, touching me, reminding me of the grace to be guided in the body from within this silence. I feel the support at the base of my back, I lean into the dance with a trust I never knew was possible. It is a pleasure to dance with such a partner; such forgiveness when I freeze and need to begin again. There is endless time for this dance to be practiced. I enjoy this practice. 

And what I find astounding is how big the dance floor is, and the awesome way we are each danced by that One.  It is dancing me beyond the idea of two. It dances me beyond my old identity as the third wheel and my striving to be the one and only. 

And the pauses between the movements are delightfully nourishing.

written in my journal last year, July 17, 2012

feeling the theme spiraling into today, and tomorrow.

Sonar

As I dance across the floor

Swift as light

flowing like water

I feel that floor you swept me across

and your arms your legs your feet

my arms my legs my feet

my smile.

Foxtrotting me through space

like a knife through butter

You moved me.

I did follow.

Oh, Man

You didn’t have to hold me so tightly

As if you needed to guide by control.

I was searching with all I had

Sending out signals

Like a bat in the night 

Sending those whale tones

My sonar calls

Through the deep sea we moved in

I wanted more than anything

To find your rhythm and mine 

Together.

I remember that

I danced with you

And was danced.

a poem

My desire is pushing, lighting me through this mud.

I am the lotus.

Can I focus on anything but the light?

The light takes forms

And the forms vanish

Again and again.

The Sun is calling the Moon.

I am relieved,

Sense cannot be made.



woman, flowering  oil on panel 11x12, barbara heile

taking out the trash

While taking out some trash this afternoon
I observed how quiet it was outside.
In the ordinariness of this action 
I became very aware of myself as silence
 in relation to Nature. 
even when sounds arise from her, she feels silent.

the thought crossed my mind,

what if I really practiced being here

without creating more noise in my head 
or believing the drama that continues to find form there, 
through my believing in and perhaps even needing it, 
just to avoid this silence?

the drama inside my head

has a way of spilling down into my body

somehow enticing nerve endings to believe there is something exciting happening

which sends this message back to brain

and brain tells me I have a life, a dramatic, exciting one!

I am giving myself a little bit of a hard time, pulling my leg a bit.
I love symbols, I love interpretations, I love creative life. 
and I love the drama of the contrasts.

But to watch, 
to listen
 with a bit less need for the drama?
Is this possible?
I'm game.

even this game has an allure to it....
but really, I am curious.
it is a practical experiment with inner silence.

Can I observe the effort to create drama and let it go?
Can I be alone 
in this pulsing life 
without making more of myself than is real and authentic?

How will I know what is  real?
I am fascinated already.

Oh, I feel Her pulling me in again..............

Reflections, How I Shine

I have a way of meeting the other in cyberspace

That can make you more real to me than myself.

You become so attractive 

I shine you way up.

You are awesome,

inspiring,

good.

In a blink of the eye this admiration can become comparison

and I am lost.

This mind can be compulsive about knowing itself

This mind leaves her own heart at the drop of a hat,

This heart wants deep practice.

This mind moves like light speed

Away from center

Again and again.

I praise you, I adore you, I admire you, I support you.

And this small voice inside me

Still calls for me to stay

Just a bit longer 

To finally be known as the one and only,

source of light.

I still look for god and goddess in the air

Through cyber space there are innumerable paths to take,

As if all that my mind confirms is real, 

is real.

Our physical meetings are quieter, less dramatic

There is less chance to leave myself.

I can see our similarities, 

I can feel your concerns and strengths, 

I can feel myself.

This is the gift of the body,

to invite embodiment.

I wake this morning

To discover once again,

how to play, 

how to create 

how to remain in touch.

Beseeching the Divine to come closer

I want to feel our connection

In every cell.

Maybe that is what I have been doing all along,

Perhaps there is nothing to change.

Perhaps I am created just this way,

To be just this way.

I am seeing myself more and more and more 

Like the Moon.

Reflecting your Sun

Is how I shine.

Lilith unveiled Innocence

oh, Lilith 

where I went, 

well, there are words for it, and images, and feelings.

my ring came off,

my ears went bare

and I descended 

I was yours again.

she has taken me before,

into this dark territory

and it is always my move to find the place where I say stop,

where I raise my hand and say, "stop."

I learn how to make the journey 

I learn when to return.

This cauldron the body

the intensity the fire of desire

This depth the soul

The stillness the water where the treasure awaits the light.

my outer life is gratefully uneventful

my inner is the river of life, 

sometimes gently streaming

sometimes tumultuously raging.

the gate opened 

and the fruit of the dark moved through me

I looked

I felt

and deleted and deleted and deleted what was not mine

letting pass what could not hold me.  

I landed at the feet of love. 

tears flowed as I felt being met there.

I found what was lost
innocence.

here,

where 

nothing is ever really happening.

just this pulse is real.

hot and humbled, I am walking on

these smiling dancin' feet.

The crows are cawing their own story out of the same stillness.

Relationship

Relationship

If all this is only me, 

and all I know or not of me,

How do I relate to you, 

who only knows all of you

and the more that awaits the revealing,

in our meeting?

By listening, 

making space for the fine yellow finch seeking breakfast.

By receiving the messages

By feeling my responses,

opening or closing.

By asking questions

How hungry are we?

I work on some stuff through words

So that the truth can be embodied.

Oh, the words did flow for years

Thoughts flew.

So many wild stories

So many dear stories

All love stories,

the only story there is.