I begin to feel it.
The dance floor has shifted, ever so slightly and my perspective is changed.
My body begins to soften and respond, I am moved.
My life partners and I, (meaning friends family as well as the ones I meet just here and there, in the grocery store, for a quick often effortless spin) we are each hearing very different music. Our own. This requires such sensitivity to dance with others! How exciting! When I know and honor my own rhythm, body is allowed to feel the music the other is dancing to, and then a harmony is possible.
Otherwise, as I have experienced, I am either dancing alone, or being forced to dance to their music. Even when I experience what I used to call “harmony,” when I have released my hold to follow his lead, it does not mean a thing.
It means we were in harmony of a kind for the length of that song. I danced that one once, for the duration of the song with such a smile, a whole body smile, to be danced by the man I loved. I always thought it would mean more, to dance with another. Dancing with women has begun to bear indescribable fruit. Yes, I am practicing for that life partner I long for, even now.
So, who is my partner now, really?
I have several dance partners in life, and I am fascinated by the way each has their own way of dancing. I practice describing the dance I want to dance. Then I wait to hear from them, how their dance meets mine. I used to experience this learning time as disharmony. I feel this change is due to the real dance partner who has made himself or herself known, the Nameless One. We are never out of harmony.
I am so timid with this partner. My body still learns to trust the movements. I feel there is enormous patience and love present in this partner. Mind still takes over the lead, promising certainty, safety. Then a breeze comes by, touching me, reminding me of the grace to be guided in the body from within this silence. I feel the support at the base of my back, I lean into the dance with a trust I never knew was possible. It is a pleasure to dance with such a partner; such forgiveness when I freeze and need to begin again. There is endless time for this dance to be practiced. I enjoy this practice.
And what I find astounding is how big the dance floor is, and the awesome way we are each danced by that One. It is dancing me beyond the idea of two. It dances me beyond my old identity as the third wheel and my striving to be the one and only.
And the pauses between the movements are delightfully nourishing.
written in my journal last year, July 17, 2012